Highlights of my pathetic, short-lived life (so far)

Childhood: (n) the time or state of being a child. 

During a beautiful conversation I shared with a good friend of mine and his sister over a barbecue burger with EXTRA bacon, I realized how much I had grown up from the innocent, imaginative child I used to be.
Oh, how I miss the days where I cared of nothing more than coming home before 4:00pm to catch Toonami on TV. I look back now, and realize that back in the day, only three things mattered to me.

1. Dragonball Z. I don't know what it was about that show, but the simple idea of sweaty apes constantly being constipated interested me more than anything else in the world. I kept up with every single episode. I remember it all. Raditz, the Ginyu Force, Frieza, the Androids, Cell, Babadi's minions, Majin buu, Baby, Super 17, the Dragons. There's nothing more I love than a nostalgic moment on Google image search or the random Dragonball Z movie I find on my hard drive of "Cooler's Revenge" or "Broly: the Legendary Super Saiyan." Remarkable as it seems, I'll never forget this show. It may be the ripped bodies, the sick transformations where one would get longer hair and green eyes (and somehow you're magically over 9000 times stronger than you were before?) or maybe the wonderful qualities of Gohan. Whatever it may be, Dragonball Z allowed me to grow up with the happiest imagination of one day hopefully being able to fly, having a super ripped body, getting spiky blonde hair, green eyes, being constipated, wailing "KA-ME-HA-ME-HA" at the top of my lungs while cupping my hands and blowing up random b*tchez.
   
   
2. Yu-Gi-Oh.
   Keep the judgments to a minimal as I try to explain myself.I understand the likelihood of 50 foot tall dragons magically appearing from cards is a bit far fetched, but one can dream, right? Everything about Yu-Gi-Oh made me happy. The hours I spent at night sorting through thousands of my cards, the time it took for me to make the perfect 40-50 card deck, the searching, the trading, and the Black Luster Soldier- Envoy of the Beginning. That thing was my baby. At times I wish I could dream about being in one of those awesome Yu-Gi-Oh card battles on a giant blimp in the middle of the sky where I had my awesome dueling disk and super sick monsters fighting by my side. Sadly enough, I'd have a better chance making my hair change colors than have sick looking monsters come out of my cards. As one can see, the odds of this lonely bacon's childhood dreams coming true were slim to none. Oh well, the cards were shiny. Get on my level.
   
   
3. Pokemon. Cliche, mainstream, and quite ironically, very hipster friendly! There was something about the idea of moving out of my house at the age of eight, going out into the world with nothing else but a pair of balls, (you would) and going up against exotic animals/monsters that could possibly kill me that I could just not let go of. Okay...so MAYBE Pokemon wasn't the most logical thing in the world. So what? They made some pretty sick games. I remember staying up until 3:00 AM on my Gameboy Advance running back and forth in the same patch of grass in Pokemon Emerald to catch my favorite Pokemon: Ralts. There was something about Psychic type that I loved. Maybe it was the pink tint to the type, or maybe it was the simple fact that they were virtually unstoppable if they attacked first. Regardless, they were my favorite type of Pokemon and Ralt's evolution, Gardevoir proved that I could annihilate anything in my path. Nevertheless, my imaginative fantasies continued to erupt as I become more involved in Pokemon. I hoped that one day our scientists would be able to create the all powerful balls that would have the ability to contain 500 pound kangaroo-things or enraged fire-breathing dragons that I could just throw out there whenever I got bored or felt like settling a dispute with someone. To this day, I still play Pokemon games that come out. I must admit one thing though...It does piss me off very...very...VERY much that Scyther cannot learn Fly.
   

So, just a thought from your greasy, personified bacon: stay classy. You only get to live once, and I can tell you from personal experience as a piece of bacon that my imagination allowed me to expand my horizons far longer than just sitting on a plate next to a piece of sausage and scrambled eggs. I dream of a day where I'll be on a five-guys burger. A day where a WoW turbo-nerd will walk in and ingest me greasy goodness faster than porcupine splinters retracting after being impacted by the weight of a very fat man who has eaten large portions of bacon his entire life. 

Signed,

Greasy Bacon

They may act like gold, but they're nothing more than spray-painted pyrite

My thoughts today: purely rageful. I can't even begin to express the idea of being mad; I'm purely enraged. 

1.) People who try to fix other people's flaws before theirs

Please don't preach your thoughts and ideas to other people whenever you can't follow them yourself. Just a hint, whenever you start telling other people to become closer to God, how about you fix your relationship with him first. I don't see how you can constantly talk about coming together and being closer to people when you can sit there and literally say nothing nice about anyone until you see them in front of you. Just a hint, don't try and be best friends with my close friends and then say nothing nice about them when you're around your boojie friends. You have 297 people to talk about, keep the other three out of your mouth.

2.) Using the "God card"

Your intentions may be good, but you're going about it the wrong way. Please stop using God to make yourself seem like the person you aren't. The mask you put on daily might as well be saran wrap, because I see right through it. I'm very thankful of the fact that you are trying to spread God's word, but please don't make it your last resort for making people think you're the fantastic person you're not. If you didn't know, it's called using the Lord's name in vain. 

3.) FAKE

Simple, sweet, and to the point. STOP. BEING. FAKE. 

I'm purely enraged at the idea that you talk about one of my closest friends on the daily and then you go and try to pretend like you're always there for them and like you're a "true friend." You're a great person to my face, but God only knows who you are behind my back. 

**Luckily, my mother made my night better. As I was on Skype with one of my friends (video chat) she walks in asking if I want a present. 

Being the naive person I am, of course I say yes. Thinking that I'm about to get an awesome piece of candy or the keys to a new mustang, my mother hands me two condoms. 

Dear Mother, you are not the father figure I've never had, but thank you very much for trying to make up for the crappy husband/father figure that lives in our house.

Signed,

Greasy Bacon